How to Tell the Difference Between Real Rest and Avoidance

(Because not everything that looks like “self-care” actually is)

You cancel plans. You light a candle. You cue up that calming playlist and settle in under a blanket.

You call it rest.
But deep down… you’re not sure if it is.

Are you really recharging—or are you hiding?

Are you giving yourself what you need—or avoiding what you don’t want to face?

I’ve asked myself this more times than I can count. Especially when I’m knee-deep in burnout, grief, or overwhelm. Because the truth is: rest and avoidance can look almost identical from the outside.

But inside? Oh, there’s a world of difference.

Why this matters (especially for slow-living souls)

If you’re walking the slow-living path—trying to live with intention, not urgency—you probably want to rest. You want to listen to your body, honor your intuition, and take time to just be.

But if you're anything like how I used to be, you might also:

• Feel weirdly guilty for taking that break

• Get stuck in cycles of “I should be doing something”

• Wonder if you're just avoiding something hard (like a decision, a conversation, or a long overdue email)

And suddenly? That nap or journaling session starts to feel a little suspect.

So, how do we tell the difference?

Let’s break it down.

What Real Rest Feels Like (Even If It’s Messy)

Let’s start with what rest actually is. Real rest isn’t about aesthetics. It’s not about lavender lattes or clean sheets or slow walks through a field of wildflowers (although hey, those are great too).

Real rest is about nervous system regulation.
It’s about giving your body and brain a break from over-functioning.

And here’s the kicker: rest doesn’t always feel magical in the moment. Sometimes, it feels like:

• Letting yourself cry

• Turning your brain off with a rerun of a show you’ve seen 40 times

• Choosing stillness even when your anxiety says “do more”

The outcome of real rest, though?
Clarity. Capacity. Calm.
Even if it takes a while to arrive.

What Avoidance Looks Like (Even When It Feels Like Rest)

Avoidance can mimic rest—but the energy behind it is different.

Here’s a quick way to check in:

Are you resting to restore yourself—or to escape something uncomfortable?

Avoidance tends to come with:

• Anxious energy that doesn’t fully settle

• Lingering guilt or frustration

• Decision fatigue that gets worse, not better

• That “ugh” feeling when you finally stop scrolling or binging and still don’t feel better

Avoidance often adds to the internal noise.
Rest turns the volume down.

Try This: A Gentle Gut Check Before You “Rest”

Next time you're about to hit pause, ask:

1. What am I hoping this rest will give me?
   → Peace? Energy? A way out? Be honest (no shame either way).

2. Am I avoiding something that matters to me?
   → Sometimes we avoid things that are actually aligned—but scary.

3. Will this still feel nourishing after I do it?
   → Or will I feel more drained, disconnected, or ashamed?

4. If I had support, would I still need this kind of rest?
   → Avoidance can be a symptom of burnout or isolation. You may not need less rest—you might need different support.

You don’t need to pass a quiz to “earn” your rest.
This is just a gut check—an invitation to notice what you need most.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Real rest (for me) has looked like:

• Taking a slow walk—or just sitting outside—with zero agenda. No podcast, no step goals. Just me, the breeze, and the trees.

• Declaring a full day off and actually meaning it. No sneaky laundry loads or “productive” errands disguised as self-care.

• Playing a cozy game (yes, even during working hours) with absolutely zero guilt that I should be doing something more “useful.”

It’s not glamorous. It’s not always Instagrammable.
But it’s the kind of rest that feels like a full-body exhale.

Avoidance, on the other hand, has crept in as:

• Watching videos about other people’s businesses instead of working on my own

• Endlessly “editing” a draft that’s really just fear talking

• Telling myself I’m “resting” when I’m actually spiraling in indecision

Both are part of the process.
The key is knowing which one you’re in—and being kind to yourself either way.

If you’re feeling stuck in the in-between…

If you’re craving true rest—but also feel a little lost about what’s next—I made something for you:

🎧 Start With You: A free private podcast series for women who’ve been everything to everyone—and are finally ready to feel like themselves again.

These short, soulful episodes are perfect for those “I don’t know what I need, but I know I need something” days.
And they pair beautifully with a cup of tea, a walk, or even a long exhale.

👉🏼 Listen here

You deserve rest.
You deserve support.
And you deserve to know the difference.